A few months ago, I delivered an impromptu anti-Trump rant at the dinner table. The rant was rambling. It covered the imprudent proposal to repeal the ACA, racist and anti-immigrant policies, sexist comments, and a general and increasing concern about the candidate’s sanity. When I finished, my daughter said scoldingly, “Mo-oooom. Opinions!” I retorted, “Yes, I have a few.” My daughter’s comment and rolling eyes shouldn’t surprise any of us who know what 12-year-olds are about, and I appreciate my daughter’s sense of challenge and feistiness. At the same time, I do wonder if her desire for me to express fewer opinions comes from the social inculcation of a woman’s place, niceness, and civility, all of which seem to nudge people to make women “behave.” Like most young people, my daughter is learning to navigate gendered impositions of speech and silence, while also figuring out how to police these very same elements.
The exchange reveals how we can feel discomfort when we hear strongly stated opinions and how that discomfort can result in an urge to silence another person. We have likely all silenced a person or an idea, as we instinctively protect dearly-held beliefs and opinions and/or an internally set sense of how things should be said or done. In other words, we have a built-in sense of civility and its relevance to certain social or political contexts. Popular culture breaks with some of these gendered norms, but often at a cost. For example, Leslie Jones starred as part of the all-star cast of the remake of “Ghostbusters” but suffered a ridiculous chain of insults based on her race and gender. The racism and misogyny of those who criticized her probably stemmed in part from their desire to remember “Ghostbusters” as a dude-centered and incredibly successful ‘80’s movie. The intrusion of women, including a woman of color, on that hallowed ground of pop culture stirred anger and hostility directed primarily at the person whose profile is the most apparently intersectional.
What is civility, if not a list of rules to live by? Who writes the rules, and who suffers more if they break them? At Billboard’s Women in Music event back in December, Madonna addressed gender disparities in the music industry: “Thank you for acknowledging my ability to continue my career for 34 years in the face of blatant sexism and misogyny and constant bullying and relentless abuse.” She discussed her muse, David Bowie, who “embodied male and female spirit” and “made me think there were no rules. But I was wrong. There are no rules – if you’re a boy. There are rules if you’re a girl.”
Those rules are as follows: “If you’re a girl, you have to play the game. You’re allowed to be pretty and cute and sexy. But don’t act too smart. Don’t have an opinion that’s out of line with the status quo. You are allowed to be objectified by men and dress like a slut, but don’t own your sluttiness. And do not, I repeat do not, share your own sexual fantasies with the world. Be what men want you to be, but more importantly, be what women feel comfortable with you being around other men. And finally, do not age. Because to age is a sin. You will be criticised and vilified and definitely not played on the radio” (cited in The Guardian, 12-12-16). Traditional race and gender norms rely on codes of civility for their survival. The more we follow civility rules and tacitly or explicitly police others’ behaviors, the more we reinforce the damaging status quo of oppression.
At many universities with honor codes or systems, the word ‘civility’ accompanies the word ‘honor,’ thus recalling centuries-old (millennia-old) systems of behaviors based on expectations of gendered norms and scripts and enforcing those norms with a code of civility, which silences anything or anyone approaching reasoned protest. In fact, my institution still uses the phrase “conduct unbecoming a gentleman,” thus entrenching behavioral codes and implying that those who break them (according to whom?) are somehow less attractive, less lovely, less in the box in which they belong. We have to question more fully why it is considered “unattractive” to call out injustice and ask for change.
The questioning of civility codes often falls disproportionately on those who have less power in hierarchical situations, thus allowing the people with more power to retain it in what appears to be a morally superior, more “becoming” way. Steven Mintz, a professor from Cal Poly who calls himself the “Ethics Sage,” wrote this 2012 blog post about civility. Mintz contributes to the entrenchment of gendered civility scripts by expressing surprise that girls and women are also capable of civil “mayhem”: “Have you checked out You Tube lately? More and more we see video clips of teenagers attacking one another and there seems to be a marked increase in girls getting involved in the mayhem. I suppose such actions were the motivation for the Oxygen network developing a television program called Bad Girls Club that is in its sixth season. Sigh.” He concludes the post by saying, “Civil discourse was an important value to our founding fathers. Perhaps Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best: ‘There can be no high civility without a deep morality.’”
There were founding fathers who owned slaves and raped women, which should tell us once again to question postures of moral superiority cloaked as civility.
People should have stark opinions, and disagreement should make us stronger. I want us to have a thoughtful rationale for those very opinions, a rationale that has taken into account data and multiple viewpoints. I want us to state opinions thoughtfully but also forthrightly, and this is a lifelong challenge for most of us. I want opinions not to translate into universal truths that end up harming people and our planet.
This means that I want Trump to get the hell off Twitter (I know, “Mooo-ooom. Opinions!”) and for us to dismantle his platform of selfishness, lies, and violence. How can we have these conversations in a respectful way that doesn’t water down the real danger that many of us observe and feel and doesn’t silence individuals or groups? Is it more “civil” to maintain an unfair status quo by silencing others or to voice unequivocally what is wrong with the status quo?
(See this 5-11-2003 NPR piece on George Washington and civility.)
14 thoughts on “Civility”
“There were founding fathers who owned slaves and raped women, which should tell us once again to question postures of moral superiority cloaked as civility.” How wonderfully unbecoming of you to point this out.
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You got it!
Excellent entry! I continue to fight the urge/impulse to ask my teenage girls to temper their statements. I often win the fight, but spend quite a bit of mental (and physical) energy convincing myself that good female parenting requires allowing them to speak their minds and voice their opinions, as I unhesitatingly would if they were male children (who would have been encouraged to speak their minds often as a way of flexing their take-control muscles). Societal pressures leave long-lasting effects on one’s psyche. All energy expended on and invested in the challenge of stopping the “be seen and not heard” cycle at the present adult generation will result in exceptional returns. Thank you for another great piece!
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Thank YOU, Terry, for continuing to read and make great comments.