As you all know, this Saturday, the 45th president of the United States hits his 100th day in office. This week I’ve written a fictional internal monologue of the “president” as he regards himself in the mirror on the morning of his 100th day. I have to admit, it was difficult to break down the language enough to have it sound like the “president” could be thinking it. My goal was to keep it up for 1000 words. I didn’t make it. Here goes:
Donald Trump, looking in the mirror, as he prepares for his day. It is 10:00 a.m. on a sunny day in Florida.
Jesus, my hair, it’s a disaster today. Oh, the 100th day doesn’t matter. Yes, it does! It does matter because I’m doing great, just great. I mean, I’m a really top-notch guy. The hair is doing just fine. I think I’ll play golf today, or maybe just grab some pussy, not sure. Oh, that’s right, I’m the president. I might have to go to work. Who’s on my staff at Mar-a-Lago? Maybe they can take care of this for me. Where is Melania? I know I saw her somewhere lately, just not sure where. Was she on Air Force One with me? Not that I can remember. Hmm. No calls from Russia today—I need to not pick up the phone when those guys call me. But that Putin, he’s such a powerful guy. He may not play golf, but I’m told he does ride horses. If he calls, I’ll take it. But if that Merkel wants me to shake her hand, no way. I mean, she is bad, really bad. Once I’ve got this hair combed down, I think I’ll sign a few more executive orders. I’m told there have to be some huge Muslim countries I missed in the first ban. And the wall, oh the wall, what a tremendous thing. I mean it’ll keep all the nature out, and the people too. We’ll get someone to pay for it. I think it should be made of gold on the U.S. side. Doesn’t that sound right? Golden. If those stupid Democrats shut down my government, I’ll have something to say about it. The wall is happening, people, it is happening. Next week, even though it’s after my 100th day, I know we will repeal Obamacare and replace it with something. A little complicated, yes, you know, I’m told healthcare is kind of difficult, but we will replace healthcare with something, I know we will. You know? I wish I could have another inauguration day. That was big, really great. I mean, the greatest number of people ever to attend or watch an inauguration. I am amazing. Who doesn’t want to watch me? I mean, I am shaking things up. I know how to do this. I do. Maybe I should play a round of golf today. Hey, maybe we could replace the U.N. with just some rounds of golf and then bring the NRA along for some peacekeeping missions. Wait, what? That doesn’t make sense, I’m not about that pussy peacekeeping. Okay, I will play golf today. And then grab some pussy. All right, my calendar is set. I can sort through alternative facts once I’m out on the links. As long as the goddamned media doesn’t report again on my leisure time. Who doesn’t do business on the golf course? I mean, the rolling greens and expensive fees are for everyone, aren’t they? The media just needs to keep its mouth shut about my golf-playing, and everything, really. I wonder what Frederick Douglass is up to today? I gotta see if that guy is free to play some golf with me. And Sally Yates? She can go “f” herself for being disloyal to America and making America great again. I mean, that woman, that woman makes America suck. Damn it, this one side of my hair will not flatten down. I wonder if I can start a nuclear war. That would definitely put America on the map. I mean, we’re already on the map since January 20, but I mean even more on the map. I have to remember to tell people to make sure to buy Ivanka’s clothes. She is so great, so–, I mean she is such a tremendous person. My White House is a fine-tuned machine. It really is. I should stop by there sometime. It’s probably an all-right place to work. I wonder if Obama can hear me thinking? I mean, has he tapped my mind? No, he can’t, no, I guess just my phones. Where is that guy? He doesn’t seem very macho. What’s all that crap he says about women’s rights and immigrants and blah-blah-blah? Don’t worry about Spicer. He’s just doing his job. Chemical weapons? Spicer knows what he’s talking about. I’ll keep him front and center for now. Helps me get to the course and whack the shit out of the ball. That’s really what it’s all about. I can dominate that ball, I can. Hey, I wonder if I can launch a TV show about myself. “The President.” I like that. No, wait, they might not know it’s me. How about, “The World’s Leader Making America Great Again?” Too long maybe. It’ll be great, top-notch. I can hire and fire people and make money as we go. Hmm, my skin. It needs a little pick-me-up. No, it’s just this damned mirror. It must have an orange tint. These people around me, can they not supply a decent mirror? I’m going to have to grab their pussies. I can, you know. I can just move on them. I tried to f*$k those women. They were married. After I play golf today, I’ll move on someone like a b*&%h. Melania said this was okay. Where is that Melania? I know I had her somewhere.
(*Note: I just found this hilarious SNL clip of Jimmy Fallon as Donald Trump interviewing himself in the mirror.)